How Not To Write An Internet Dating Profile

Everyone's Into Internet Dating These Days (Photo by Espacio Camon)

So last post I indicated that I was getting back into internet dating. My logic went pretty much like this: Yah, I'm self-employed. Boo, I don't go out much and won't get to meet anyone new. Yah, I have lots of time, a flexible schedule, and spend quite a bit of time on my computer.

Pretty sound logic, no? 

I will admit that there might have been some prompting from a friend who will remain nameless (if you know me in real life, you can probably guess who) who supplements her career driven life by living vicariously through making me do things she wouldn't do herself.

Together, we make one awesome online profile, if I do say so myself. 

So next time I'm going to write out some of the secrets to writing a great internet dating profile, because it is another useful writing skill. 

However, I thought I would start today with the common mistakes I've seen again and again in writing a profile. If you read this list and think you recognise your own profile, it's not actually yours, thousands of people have made the same mistake. 

I also full admit that this is focused particularly on what guys do wrong (as I only read male profiles), and assumes you want to find someone more or less like me: nice, normal, somewhat intelligent, good hygiene, and a basic sense of grammar. If you don't any of these things, please feel free to ignore this advice. 

1. The Profile Picture

So, we all know that it's shallow to judge on appearances. However, please be realistic: we all do it to some extent. Therefore, avoid the following:

a) putting a picture of something else. If you have no pictures of yourself, people are going to assume the worst. Or even if they don't, a picture tells a thousand words. You are missing a great opportunity to present more information about who you are than you could write in a profile. (and no, you're not a sunset).

b) putting a picture with multiple people in it. Why would you do this? Seriously, if you can take a picture of you and your two mates, then pull out your iPhone again and ask them to step aside. 

c) you and a girl kissing your cheek (or really any shot with your arm wrapped around another woman). Are you trying to prove you can pull hot girls? Message is sort of undermined by the fact that you are on an internet dating site. Also, keep in mind that it tends to subconsciously bring out the worst in women to see other girls all over a potential mate. If the girl in the picture is at all good looking then the thinking might go along the lines of 'well, she looks like she must be a total bimbo, and so if he's into that sort of thing, then he can just keep his barbie dolls...' etc. Only case where it is acceptable is your grandmother. Your mother makes you look like a mama's boy.

d) comic ugly shot. Okay, we get that you might be hiding behind humour, but it just comes across as a bit insecure. Don't make it your main photo if you want to put it in. (though guy that was dressed up as Capt. Jack Sparrow, you did any awesome job... great if I ever need a partner for a costume party.)

e) a shot that doesn't actually show your face. It's not porn, we like to see that you have a head! Even if you have a good body, still want to see your face. 

I think that covers most things to do with photos. 

2. Your Online Name

I admit that often the name you want is already taken, and OK Cupid makes great suggestions like putting 'taco' on the end of it. Having said that, here are some options you still shouldn't take. 

a) anything that is immediately offensive or just makes the reader feel slightly dirtier for having read it. (Not that I like naming names, but 'ilikesuckintoes'... I'm talking to you.) 

b) a real word spelt incorrectly in a way that makes it appear you that you just can't spell. There are accepted short cuts, and then there's just plain wrong. 

c) names that are questions. For example (I don't know if someone has this name, sorry if you do), but 'RUthe1' just automatically makes me scream 'no' before actually looking at your profile.

d) a subjective opinion as a statement. Okay, so I know it is a bad human trait, but if you say 'I'm super sexy', all I think is 'nah, not really.' Therefore, stay away from making any statements in your name which will lead someone to automatically want to cut you back down to size. Particularly of the 'sexy' variety. That's for me to decide, Mister. 

e) finally, it's best not to have a name that is a random collection of letters and numbers. Sort of hard to remember or pronounce. (Especially if you are really cute and I have to talk about you to friends before I get up my courage to message you. Because then my friend will just make up a code name for you, like 'Dognoodle', sorry but it had to be done.) 

3. Personal Information

First of all, if you are going to try online dating, try it properly. If you put up a picture of an inanimate object and then fill out no information about yourself, but list what sort of girls should contact you, why exactly do you think this is going to work? (if it does, please let me know.)

Having said that. 

a) don't lie about your ethnicity... it's sort of obvious. 

b) I'm not entirely sure why it has the question about income there, but unless you are earning mega bucks, not sure it adds to your profile to display it. Especially if you are hyping yourself up and earning $40,000. 

c) yes, OK Cupid (and presumably others) do have an option that you can tick 'I'm looking for someone for casual sex'. And yes, if that were on the tables you might be quite happy. Please keep in mind that by ticking that, you are ruling yourself out for a large number of girls. Not everyone thinks asking for casual sex is a normal thing. (So, I know I'm a prude, but I can't imagine that many girls would be on internet dating just looking for casual sex. We don't have to go onto sites to get there, we just have to stand around a bar.) 

4. Self - Description

Please keep in mind that within even a few minutes online, the person reading your profile has probably just read five others as well. Therefore:

a) don't waste my time by starting with 'oh, I'm really new to this, don't know what to say, umm...' blah, blah. Cut To The Chase! Just like a great novel, your first sentence has to catch me, so don't waste it with drivel. 

b) Don't use cliches, because everyone is using them. These include:

- 'I love living life to the fullest.'  (Please respect the fact that some of us are saving our life up for later.)

-  'I'm easy-going/down to earth/ a nice guy.'

- 'Fun-loving' (unlike those awful people that just kill fun dead. Hate those guys). 

- 'Like meeting new people.' (seriously, once you've met a few, you'll get over it. Trust me.)

- 'passionate' - everyone thinks they are passionate. You never see so many people in real life being passionate about things, but online, everyone is.

- 'I love travel.' Especially when you can't back this up with proof. And what type of travel? If I love 5 star cruising, I'm not going to go backpacking with you in Africa.

c) anything that indicates you haven't taken the time to proof read it or to learn to spell. (Yes, this is a reoccurring theme with me, it is also a reoccurring theme online. Even after I said 'don't contact me if you don't know the difference between their, there and they're.')

d) trying to cover all bases. You're a dreamer, with your feet firmly on the ground, huh? You can't be ideal for everyone, so just be realistic (and cut the philosophising.)

e) It's a 5,000 word essay. Seriously, just give me the Cliffnotes version (or sparknotes to make it more interesting). 

These are just some simple tips you can take to make sure that you too don't come across as either a complete idiot or a wet fish with no personality of their own. 

Tune in next week as I'll actually give some tips for writing a better profile. 

Until then... Gotham still needs me...

ROW 80 Check In 4 - the 30 Hour Novel

Photo stolen from the Kernel's 30 Hour Novel post.

So, on Saturday and Sunday I've agree to sit down and do the 30 Hour Novel. Of course I knew it was ridiculous: writing for 15 hours a day two days in a row. But you know, there are 24 hours in a day, so why waste them doing something that isn't writing? 

Well, as happens often in Buffyworld, I agreed to the challenge, and then did the maths: this means starting to write at 8am in the morning and not stopping until 11pm at night. 

But my bedtime is 10pm. And when do I eat? And waking up before 8am on a weekend just seems cruel. Can I include my tea breaks in the 15 hours?

Add to that I have now been asked out on 2 (two!!) dates on Saturday. Seriously? Nothing for years, and then 2 dates on the same day? I've had to say no to both, because I'm writing. What, all day? Um, actually, in this case, yes, all day, and a bit into the night. 

Felt like telling them they could be like my pit crew and bring me energy drinks during the day (though I'm trying to be super healthy because I'm going to The Golden Door Retreat for their 7 day health program, which is going to be super amazing (and is super expensive, thank God I won the lottery) but can't have any caffeine or sugar while I'm there, so trying to cut down now so I don't spend the whole week curled up in a ball crying. On that note, made super delicious date and almond balls, with just a hint of vanilla... highly recommended!). 

Point of that long side track: no binge energy drinking for me during my 30 hours of madness, or other sugar packed props which were my regulars during all nighters at Uni.

Also, feel I cannot ask people who want to go on a first/second date with me to be my personal slaves. Not just yet. But if I have any volunteers from people who actually know me... Just to bring me supplies and check that I haven't tried to kill myself, that would be great. :D Anyone? Anyone at all?

Anyway, this week I haven't been focused on my writing as I know I have this mammoth weekend effort, so have been doing other things. (That is my neat way of saying: no, I haven't met my ROW 80 goals). 

Started the Celtic mythology book my sister gave me for Christmas, as thinking maybe the 30 hour novel will be a mythological fantasty. Though, am seriously struggling with the names. I'm sure they have made up sounds. 

Managed to get Telstra to cancel my contract without charging me (which since in 3 weeks they hadn't managed to get my internet actually working I think is fair.) Also renewed my lease on my super cute apartment for another 12 months, and managed to negotiate the rent down (pretty proud of myself for that, though probably means I was paying too much before, but still.) So am going to get naked dsl set up here if I can. (So instead of Telstra's 4GB per month, I'm going to be getting like 50GB, for less. In your face, Telstra. Not that I'm bitter or anything.) 

Haven't written any more articles, even though I really should have. So, might try and do one tomorrow. 

Pretty proud of my last blog post. I know it looks like I just copied Pat Flynn, but it was a lot of conceptual work to realise that what is what I wanted, and to make sure it all worked for writing, and delineate all the different aspects. Well, I just hope it is useful. And now I have to put it all into practice for my own work! (Yeah, I teach because I can't do :D). So have write the required number of blog posts. 

And that is pretty much it. 

I should point out that the 30 Hour Novel is closing for entries today. The big advantage of the competition is that everyone gets to upload theirs at the end, then its open to a public vote (no, that's not the good part, that might be quite horrific depending what you write). However, HaperCollins has actually said they will publish the winning entry! Okay, so I don't really expect to win, but still, it's a great motivation - cut through all the trouble and hassle of trying to find an agent and then a publisher. Just saying. 

Will be tracking my progress on my Facebook Fan Page. Stop by if you want to see how I'm going and leave me any encouraging message (or you can leave them here on the blog, either is fine).


 

Exciting News, ROW 80 Check In 3, Update on My Online Dating Adventures, and a Giveaway!

As indicated by the title, I just decided to chuck absolutely everything into this post, so here goes!

My Exciting News:

First of all, I'm excited so I'm going to share it all with you, so hopefully you can be excited for me:

I'm officially a company!

Yup, as of the 11th of Jan (didn't receive the certificate until the 15th) Australia has a new company:

The Buffy Group Pty. Ltd.

Yah! Expect more from The Buffy Group.

Anyway, back to the writing:

Am going to keep it brief and to the point.

5,000 words a day? - Monday yes, Tuesday close, Wednesday yes. Go me!

Of course, I also did a lot of cutting, so the current total is still only 25,890 but it is much, much better. Also did some work on other books in the series as my mind kept bring up ideas.

Blog posts: did an epic blog post here on Monday, which I'm pretty proud of (check it out if you haven't already: How to Create A Killer Online Platform. ) and posted on Fitbuster on Monday. Both of which are pretty amazing as I stacked my bike on my way home on Monday and was feeling sorry for myself.

Tuesday didn't post on either, but today I'm going to make up for that and do both again.

So win overall.

Had set the goal of getting the new fitness website up and running this week, but due to circumstances out of my control it is still in the process. (No internet, getting the domain name then realising I needed to get my company registration first before I could have a .com.au website, hosting it through a company that only hosts American sites, etc...)

Articles: have produced one article this week, so only two more to go by Sunday.

Yah to just sitting down and getting work done. Also, writing a book on how to write is very helpful for the writing process, I'm just saying :D

Want an update on my online dating?

People keep asking me, so I thought I would share my continuing adventures online and off.

Still chatting with a lot of nice guys, but also one or two not so nice guys. (One told me I shouldn't be on an online dating site if I didn't want to have a threesome. Very rude. And I was contacted by ANOTHER person with a foot fetish! Is that a thing now?)

Also noticed that since joining up I've been hit on more in real life as well. Got a very nice discount on my new Mac (didn't think they were supposed to give discounts on Apples, turns out they aren't, but if they are trying to pick you up, guys can become quite inventive). Also one of the guys trying to help me fix my internet told me to call him if there were any more problems... or even if there weren't! Might have been more successful if he had actually managed to fix my internet. Sorry dude.

Have now gone out with a total of 4 guys (one guy twice) since I joined up at the beginning of December (which is an amazing record for me, as any of you who know me will attest).

However, it is not all rosy and golden. Having slight trouble with the whole 'not really offering sex before marriage' which appears to be a total deal breaker for absolutely every half decent guy in the universe. Seriously? Having no one is better than going out with me but not getting laid?

So, still dealing with that.

Though it's strange. Some get very defensive (one said he really liked me but couldn't enter into a relationship with constrictions being forced upon him. Um, I think all relationships have some constrictions, but I do get his point, sort of). However, some get totally fascinated with the idea, like they had never heard of it before and I was an alien being. They start asking all these questions, like is it just because I haven't had the opportunity? (Um, a) that's super insulting but b) you are prepared to sleep with me, so do you think that really is the answer?) But so far no one has said 'wow, a girl into purity, that's amazing and just what I've been looking for!' (Okay, maybe the guy from Kuwait was a bit more interested, but I wasn't interested in him.)

100 years ago, I would have been a goddess! Well, maybe not a goddess, but at least normal.

Went out for a great brunch with a nice guy today, so still planning in my head how to have 'the talk' because it's better to get it out before I get too attached. Sad but true. But at least I'm getting a lot of really nice first dates, which is not to be sneezed at.

Overall, I may have no proper internet or love life, but I'm officially a company and my writing is going well. You win some, you lose some.

And Finally...Giveaway!

Over two weeks ago I announced the winner of the Christmas Giveaway (A beautiful Kikki.K Goals Journal), which went to Ral. I posted it on the site and sent him an email through Blogger. However, I've never heard back from him! Since I don't know him in person, I can't chase him up.

So, I'm re-contesting the journal. Ral, if you are reading this and you want your journal, you'll just have to enter again!

So, comment below with why you think a goal journal would help you in 2013. The best/most amusing comment posted by Sunday night 27th Jan 2013 will win the journal! Open to absolutely anyone who will actually respond and tells me where to send it when they win.

Anyway, that's all for now!

Yours,

Buffy.

Is It Just Me, Or Are Some Men Weird?

So, my dating life continues, with much more speed and quick succession of men than the previous… well, we’ll just say for a long time. (Now wondering if that is me not being honest? Oh well, live with it, you don’t get to write a draft of a novel every two weeks if you have an active dating life).

I don’t know if I’m just being selfish, maybe I am, but here are some key points for any future men to learn about me (and probably most women) on the first few dates:

-          If you don’t compliment me on how I look when we first meet, me sad.

-          If we can go through the entire date without you making me feel special once, you fail.

-          If I can sit back and consciously think ‘will he notice if I stop replying’ and 20 minutes later you’re still talking, you bad.

-          If we have never met and you ask me to shave your chest, you weird.

-          If you leave me waiting on a street corner for 25 minutes, and don’t say sorry, not happy.

-          If you send me youtube clips with no message, and it starts off with someone choking on their own vomit, I won’t watch the rest to see if there is some sweet message in there, you blocked.

-          If you only talk about how other girls have hurt you, you has baggage.

Pity I can’t just date one of my main characters. Some of them are pretty awesome, if I do say so myself.

Tonight am off to play a game of pool as a first date. It is, at least, something different. If you never hear from me again, have been murdered and my kidneys sold on the black market.

Yours,

Buffy.

P.S. Anyone got anything to add to the list? Or advice on things women do which kill a date?

Integrity in Writing... And Internet Dating: Part 2

The first question was: should I blog about men I meet when they are trying to share themselves privately with me and I’m looking at them for what I can make public?

What about if they know that I'm a writer? Isn't that like a get out of jail free pass?

Sadly, no.

From thinking about my rights as a writer, this led me to my obligations.

When I sat down to write the initial post about internet dating I realised I was immensely uncomfortable at first even just admitting that I had signed up for internet dating. Oh yes, it’s all okay these days, everyone is doing it, it’s a great way to meet friends. But I know, and you suspect, that the real reason is because I’m desperate. I have despaired of actually meeting someone in my everyday life. I have realised that the world I have created for myself is too small, and I need some way to break out.
 

And if you realise that, then you must realise other things. Obviously there must be men in my world. I don’t live in a convent (though it has sometimes appealed). I go to work, to the gym, to writer’s conferences (though to be fair to myself, those are generally populated by women) to church, and the list goes on. What about all those men?
 

In signing up for internet dating, I’m also saying silently to the world ‘yes, all the men that actually met me reject me.’ And that is harsh. Also possibly a bit self-pitying as some of the men I’ve probably rejected first, but work with me here. 
 

But why was it so hard to say? I’m a writer, I lay my life bare for my art, every novel has a little bit of me in it, every character has emotions I have felt. So why is this different?
 

Because I can’t hide behind the fiction. I might be able to hide behind some amusing quips and self-deprecation, but as a writer, do we have obligations to speak the emotions no one else is game to say? Not just the sex, the swearing, the being confronting to challenge people’s views. That, that is easy. I’m talking about the laying yourself on the table and saying ‘looking at my private parts, compare, see that you are not that strange, it’s just that no one has shown you this before.’ But instead of talking about the physical body, I am talking about the private parts of my soul and ego. The little wounds and gaping holes, the bit that thinks everyone else has it worked out and it's just me alone in here.
 

Of course I could do this with an arrogant swagger, and pretend that I didn’t care, that being so on display was fine because I loved my private parts just the way they are. But is that really helpful? Helpful to someone who feels they are strange and weird,  to say to them 'you can look but if you feel uncomfortable about it, there must be something else wrong with you'?
 

Being a writer is harder than I thought. Not just the writing, obviously, but the obligation to be honest, to admit pain hurts and laughter is not always enough.
 

So I’ve joined internet dating, and I’m a whimp. I’ve met some men who have been funny and sweet. I’ve tried to be entertaining, because when I am with them, I’m a woman and have no obligation. But when I come back to my computer, when I am with all of you, I’m a writer, and here I admit… I’m scared.

Integrity in Writing and Online Dating: Part 1

On Saturday night I joined up to an internet dating site. I’ve decided there is no use denying it, might as well embrace it and pretend it is all a bit of a good joke and that I don’t care about any possible rejection or laying myself so bare to unknown people. So, on I went. 

In my light hearted mood, I confessed my adventure to some of my work colleagues, thinking it might liven up the discussion and maybe even make me feel more normal about my decision.

One of my friends at work then suggested that naturally I should blog about the experience. I’m a writer, I write about experiences in life, and this is a life experience.

Simples.

Not so simples I came to find. 

My thinking on this has actually led to a two part blog post. I was trying to write it all in one, but it got confused, and I was going around in circles, and I couldn’t work out what I wanted to say. I finally worked out that I had gotten myself into a never ending loop between my personal desire to deflect unwanted attention and deep scrutiny and my conscience’s subtle probing that protecting myself by putting the attention on others was maybe not the ‘right thing to do’.

So, I’m sorry Jasmine, this is not exactly a post about my amazing adventures in Internet Dating World. It is first a discussion on our rights as writers, and then in a separate post, our obligations.

I am a writer. Want to be, emerging, whatever… I have the heart and soul of a writer. I look at the world differently, I listen to how things could be described in sentences, I notice characteristics, tics that give away deeper personal natures. I am an observer. 

But does that mean I have the right to write about anything that happens to me or that I perceive? Are there times when we are meant to be just people, are being conversed with or enter into some sacred rite with someone, invited as another participant, and are expected to lay down our pen and paper and just experience?  Or is everything free game?

Let us take, for example, John (not his real name). We sent a few messages, and then spoke on the phone and finally met in person for coffee and cake. During this time he released little bits of information, little snippets of his past but also of his self-perception, his previous hurts, and also little glimpses of his hopes and desires.  They were pushed forward across the table, one by one, to see how I would react to them, to see how much I could accept, and where he should stop and hide the rest.

These morsels gave me hints to histories, to emotions and wounds that I have not experienced. As a writer I wanted to gobble them up, take them from him, scoop them into my arms like a pirate finding treasure, and look over each one, analyse it, hold it up to the light to see how it glittered, and see which ones might be useful to me.

But as a woman, I was terrified. I wanted him to stop, to push them all back at him and say 'keep them'. If you show me yours, you might want me to show you mine.  And I’m not going to.  A this stage, I’m not going to test the waters with how he will react. I’m going to be perfect, witty and brilliant, and then once he’s completely smitten, will decide whether to share or not, whether or not to put my own heart on the line.

But what about him? Is he expecting the woman but seeing the glee of the writer, and thinking the woman approves? 

But he is saying it, he's putting it out there, surely I must be allowed to take it, use it. I'm a writer, the world is my oyster.

I might not tell you John’s exact stories, or even his real name. But even if I just take his reaction, the emotions provoked, and translated them, is that still using him? 

I think what I'm trying to say here is whether there's a time when as a writer you should move from saying 'can I capture this person's emotions?' to 'this person has shared this with me, do I have the right to capture it?' 

As writers, if we take from the world, but refuse to give back, are we being unfaithful? 

Even if we create great art? 

When are people people, and not objects to be observed?

In the next blog I will look at me the person versus me the writer, but for now, what I want to ask is:

Should I blog about the men I meet?